While the day is coming to a close and I don't have a lot of brain power left, I still wanted to take a minute to wish my youngest sister Kwynn a Happy 21st Birthday. I am emotional when it comes to Kwynn lately and with good reason -- my baby sister is getting married this summer. She is marrying her soulmate and I love him dearly, but it still means that my little sister will be married. Things change when you're married. You're instantly busier with extra family functions to fit into your normal schedule and you're madly in love with your partner and wanting to spend the most time as possible with him/her. I get it, and I am super happy for her, but I am a teeny bit sad that my little sister will probably have weekends where she will be busy doing other stuff and I won't get to see her. I know there will be changes, and sometimes change is hard. In this case the change will be for the better, and I've been prepping myself for this since I met Brian, but I guess I'm not quite there yet. Her birthday just reminded me today that this is the last birthday she will have where she is my single sister. My single little Binsy.
So young grasshopper, I wish you a very Happy Birthday and look forward to the many wonderful and happy memories we will create this year. I know I will cry a few more times before everything is said and done, but in reality the tears are happy tears and it is all part of the process of me getting to the next chapter. I love you.
*Let us not forget the video the boys made for you... or the one I made for you. We love you so much :)
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
February is Hard
February has always been a hard month for me. The holidays are over and the decorations are all put away, leaving my house looking empty and bare. There is typically snow on the ground and cold temperatures that keep me inside this newfound empty and bare home. The greyness of a February sky is unlike any other grey sky out there and I just don't like it. I feel like every year I leave January and fall into the hole of February. I am thankful February is a short month.
I have been trying to teach myself how to build a ladder and crawl out of this hole. I figured that doing things for other people always brings me joy. I always feel great when I make something for someone or am able to give something to someone. I am a much better gift giver than I am a gift receiver. (In fact, one of my New Years Resolutions is to be a better gift receiver. Seriously.) So I decided to take advantage of Travis' love for doing projects and creating crafts and we embarked on what has been over a two week journey of making Valentine's for people. We have had these projects in various stages over the past two weeks and I feel that I am constantly pulling out our supplies and picking them back up again. Today we finally finished everything and we'll be mailing out our Valentines that we cannot hand deliver to people this afternoon. We packaged our other Valentines and will be delivering them to family when we see them this weekend.
While I will be very happy to give these Valentines to our family this weekend, I thought it would help to get me out of my hole. I was wrong. I felt even more frustrated at times because Travis would start in on a project and then declare he was done with the project and he wanted to do something else. This is not like him. He is a very attentive and patient 3-year-old. Not joking. He will sit for hours doing projects with me, or playing board games with Craig. He must know it is February. I was frustrated because these projects I was doing to help get me out of my hole were not doing what they were intended to do. I like to be in control and to think that I've got everything together. I like to plan and to know what is to come and to know that I have the power to change the plans if I need to. February doesn't let me do that. Every year I feel like I lose my place when it hits February. I live in my foggy hole and let the world race and swirl on by above me.
My house always seems a little messier during this month as well. I don't seem to care as much. Normally I like to keep on top of things and make sure things are picked up and put away. I don't do a fabulous job of this all the time, but at least I am "thinking" about it and "caring" about how my house looks. Today? Not so much. I really need to clean the toilets. I've told myself this for the past three days. Have I done anything about it? No. Do I think I will do anything about it today? Probably not. Does this bother me? Somewhat, yes... but I still don't think I'll do it. There are Cheerios tossed all over the living room floor and my coffee table right now. Toys are literally everywhere. Normally I would pick these up while the boys are napping and do some other cleaning or work. Maybe tonight.
I don't think that I would call myself depressed during the month of February, but I sure as heck do not like how I feel. The fog in my hole gets pretty thick sometimes. I do not lose sight of things I am thankful for, but I admit to losing sight of the love that surrounds me. It can be hard to see the love when you're stuck in the fog. There are times I find myself throwing a pity party of sorts in my hole, but I try very hard to not let it last very long because it isn't much fun to have a party by yourself... and I really don't have anything to be that sad about. It is kind of ironic that I lose the sight of the love that surrounds me during a month where there are more commercials and advertising and crazy marketing schemes out there promoting love. I guess Valentine's Day was never a big deal for me.
So, my first attempt at skipping the funk that is February was not as successful as I had hoped. Travis and I did create many projects and Valentines and we will (hopefully!) put smiles on many people's faces with our hours of dedicated work. I WILL feel good when we give these gifts to people and I know that they will appreciate the work we put into them. My hole should get a little smaller this weekend.
Essentially I just feel "off" this month and this has been happening for many years now. In general the winter months are just never as good for me. I really think I am someone that requires sunshine to charge my battery and to keep me energized and happy. My yearly trips to Arizona to visit my Granny always helped with that. The trips would keep me happier in February, because I knew that March was just around the corner and I'd be travelling to AZ in March. I love hanging out with my Granny and my Mom. My Mom would usually be in AZ for at least part of the time I was there, so I always looked forward to our late-night Scrabble games and trips into Tucson to bead shops and swap meets and our Golden Corral meals. Oh and our topopo salads -- don't forget the topopo salads! I love the warmth of the desert - both the sun and the people that surround me while I visit Granny.
It is hard for me to know that I am not going to get there again this year. Last year I had to say no because we were moving into our house. (a good reason to say no, but still hard.) This year I have to say no because it would cost too much for us all to get there, and I've committed to watching Jason & Evie's girl Maddy two days a week. Even if Craig didn't go with us I'd still have two tickets to buy and the extras of the trip. The cost, combined with my committment to watch Maddy, make it hard for me to leave. While I am a big girl and know this is how things work it is still hard.
I apologize for the grey nature of this post, and for any parts that don't read well. Normally I would go back and read and edit everything before posting this, but I'm afraid if I did that I might just delete the whole thing and not post it at all. Only 23 sleeps until March!
I have been trying to teach myself how to build a ladder and crawl out of this hole. I figured that doing things for other people always brings me joy. I always feel great when I make something for someone or am able to give something to someone. I am a much better gift giver than I am a gift receiver. (In fact, one of my New Years Resolutions is to be a better gift receiver. Seriously.) So I decided to take advantage of Travis' love for doing projects and creating crafts and we embarked on what has been over a two week journey of making Valentine's for people. We have had these projects in various stages over the past two weeks and I feel that I am constantly pulling out our supplies and picking them back up again. Today we finally finished everything and we'll be mailing out our Valentines that we cannot hand deliver to people this afternoon. We packaged our other Valentines and will be delivering them to family when we see them this weekend.
While I will be very happy to give these Valentines to our family this weekend, I thought it would help to get me out of my hole. I was wrong. I felt even more frustrated at times because Travis would start in on a project and then declare he was done with the project and he wanted to do something else. This is not like him. He is a very attentive and patient 3-year-old. Not joking. He will sit for hours doing projects with me, or playing board games with Craig. He must know it is February. I was frustrated because these projects I was doing to help get me out of my hole were not doing what they were intended to do. I like to be in control and to think that I've got everything together. I like to plan and to know what is to come and to know that I have the power to change the plans if I need to. February doesn't let me do that. Every year I feel like I lose my place when it hits February. I live in my foggy hole and let the world race and swirl on by above me.
My house always seems a little messier during this month as well. I don't seem to care as much. Normally I like to keep on top of things and make sure things are picked up and put away. I don't do a fabulous job of this all the time, but at least I am "thinking" about it and "caring" about how my house looks. Today? Not so much. I really need to clean the toilets. I've told myself this for the past three days. Have I done anything about it? No. Do I think I will do anything about it today? Probably not. Does this bother me? Somewhat, yes... but I still don't think I'll do it. There are Cheerios tossed all over the living room floor and my coffee table right now. Toys are literally everywhere. Normally I would pick these up while the boys are napping and do some other cleaning or work. Maybe tonight.
I don't think that I would call myself depressed during the month of February, but I sure as heck do not like how I feel. The fog in my hole gets pretty thick sometimes. I do not lose sight of things I am thankful for, but I admit to losing sight of the love that surrounds me. It can be hard to see the love when you're stuck in the fog. There are times I find myself throwing a pity party of sorts in my hole, but I try very hard to not let it last very long because it isn't much fun to have a party by yourself... and I really don't have anything to be that sad about. It is kind of ironic that I lose the sight of the love that surrounds me during a month where there are more commercials and advertising and crazy marketing schemes out there promoting love. I guess Valentine's Day was never a big deal for me.
So, my first attempt at skipping the funk that is February was not as successful as I had hoped. Travis and I did create many projects and Valentines and we will (hopefully!) put smiles on many people's faces with our hours of dedicated work. I WILL feel good when we give these gifts to people and I know that they will appreciate the work we put into them. My hole should get a little smaller this weekend.
Essentially I just feel "off" this month and this has been happening for many years now. In general the winter months are just never as good for me. I really think I am someone that requires sunshine to charge my battery and to keep me energized and happy. My yearly trips to Arizona to visit my Granny always helped with that. The trips would keep me happier in February, because I knew that March was just around the corner and I'd be travelling to AZ in March. I love hanging out with my Granny and my Mom. My Mom would usually be in AZ for at least part of the time I was there, so I always looked forward to our late-night Scrabble games and trips into Tucson to bead shops and swap meets and our Golden Corral meals. Oh and our topopo salads -- don't forget the topopo salads! I love the warmth of the desert - both the sun and the people that surround me while I visit Granny.
It is hard for me to know that I am not going to get there again this year. Last year I had to say no because we were moving into our house. (a good reason to say no, but still hard.) This year I have to say no because it would cost too much for us all to get there, and I've committed to watching Jason & Evie's girl Maddy two days a week. Even if Craig didn't go with us I'd still have two tickets to buy and the extras of the trip. The cost, combined with my committment to watch Maddy, make it hard for me to leave. While I am a big girl and know this is how things work it is still hard.
I apologize for the grey nature of this post, and for any parts that don't read well. Normally I would go back and read and edit everything before posting this, but I'm afraid if I did that I might just delete the whole thing and not post it at all. Only 23 sleeps until March!
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